Not knowing if I was going to live or die for over 20 consecutive days fundamentally changed me in ways that are hard to express. Even now, almost a year later, I find myself surprised at how deeply the entire experience impacted me, my perception of life, my values, and my connection to others.
I can look back and say that the change started when all the COVID lockdowns started. It was intensely surreal, and the conflict over everything just wore on me. I was single, living alone except for my dog, and the gym where I trained and volunteered closed. I had moved and had not yet connected to a local church. Essentially nearly every form of in-person social engagement I had was either gone or greatly diminished.
I continued to train with my powerlifting coach, and we tried starting a few different businesses but never got any real traction. I worked briefly for my dog’s trainer, but the lockdowns significantly impacted her income so that job ended abruptly. I went from seeing several groups of people throughout the week and then having church with friends once or twice a week, to seeing basically one person a few days a week.
I was Resentful
I was resentful. More than I even realized at the time.
I resented being told by the government who I could and couldn’t see, what I could and couldn’t do and what they expected me to do to or put in my body.
I resented the people who were coming up with conspiracy theories and making people who wanted to get vaccinated feel guilty, fearful, and ashamed.
I resented the people who called those who didn’t want to get vaccinated murderers and other horrible names.
I resented having to order groceries for delivery because wearing a mask had such a significant impact on my health.
I resented the impact of all the government mandates and rules on the small businesses that had once flourished and were now floundering or dying.
I resented the way the whole thing turned people against one another and created a culture of fear and hate that still abounds.
I resented the lies and fake science on both sides of the vaccination debate and those people who set themselves up as judge and jury or know-it-alls, who did not have knowledge, wisdom, or compassion.
And, as someone who had survived years of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, multiple rapes, and several attempted rapes and sexual assaults, left me feeling re-traumatized every…single…day.
Rebelling Against All Sound Judgment
One way I dealt with my resentment and growing angst was to get off social media.
Towards the end of 2020, I closed my Instagram and Facebook accounts. I needed a break from all the information, all the conflict, all the drama. It was just too overwhelming and only fueled the frustration I was feeling. Instead of focusing on social media, I found other ways to redirect my energy.
While I thought I was doing something beneficial, I ended up just creating a greater disconnect and sense of isolation. In hindsight, I would have handled that differently. There were things I could have done to block the negative I did not want to participate in and maintain the relationships and connections.
Proverbs 18:1 HCSB* “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound judgment.”
You see, part of my isolation was government-mandated. Whether that was right or wrong is not the discussion here. But the other part of it was selfish.
I didn’t want to get involved in the conversation. I didn’t want to see the upheaval COVID was causing. I just wanted it all to go away. There is a kind of isolation that does that – hides to maintain a level of personal comfort. This sounds alright until you realize that scripture says the one who does that “rebels against all sound judgment”.
What does that mean? You and I were created for connection, with God and one another. We were created to live in your community. Isolation was not God’s plan for humanity, the cost is simply too high.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 KJV “9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”
Solomon tells us the cost of isolation and not engaging in your community: not only can you get more done with others than you can accomplish alone, but if you fall (not necessarily physically) then you have someone there to help you up. It’s easy to get off track when you’re the only one you confer with. It’s easy to get arrogant and develop wrong mindsets and begin to resent humanity in general but if you’re participating in a community then everything changes. People know what is going on in your life. They can tell you when they see or hear something amiss. They can lift you up when you’re discouraged, hurting, or grieving. They can talk through circumstances with you to help you see things from a different perspective. And so much more.
Re-Engaging
In May 2021, I felt really strongly that I was supposed to get back on social media, and I had a lot of mixed feelings about it, but I knew this was the Holy Spirit guiding, so, feelings or not, I created a new Facebook account and began to reconnect.
It sounds so easy, but it was very difficult. I had to make a lot of decisions that I didn’t want to make. Who would I send friend requests to? Who would I follow and who would I be friends with but not follow? How engaged was I going to get in the ongoing discussions of the social, political, and personal implications of all that was going on with COVID? Why was I getting back online? Was it to promote the businesses my coach and I were trying to launch or to re-engage with a community of friends and family I’d been voluntarily isolated from for over 5 months?
There were nearly immediate benefits of getting back on social media for me. I began to feel connected to the world a bit. My heart was encouraged by engaging in normal conversations with friends and family. I began praying again for people because seeing their posts reminded me that I was not alone in the world and that others also needed prayer, encouragement, engagement, and support.
And with all of that, my mood began to lift. I was regaining my creativity, hope, and sense of purpose. My heart was softening where it had become hard, jaded, and sarcastic. The sad thing is that I only see this in hindsight. I knew I was feeling better but I didn’t draw a correlation between being back on social media and reconnecting with other human beings. In fact, if someone had told me that was why I was feeling better, I would have laughed at them. Why? Because the act of learning to reconnect and re-engage was so much work.
Life Happens, Community Helps
I had no idea that at the end of July (2021) I would break my foot. I didn’t know that breaking my foot, just one week after my powerlifting coach tore his achilles, both businesses we had been working so hard to build would just be done. I had no clue that at the end of September my cat would suddenly and unexpectedly become so sick I’d have to put her down. I didn’t know that within days of beginning to work for my dog’s trainer again, I would very nearly lose my life to COVID pneumonia (and a few other types of pneumonia just to round things out) and be in the hospital for most of the month of November.
I’m so grateful the Holy Spirit knew and that I listened to that tug in my heart, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do because it was so uncomfortable and emotional. I’m grateful that He continued to prompt me to reach out, connect, and begin re-establishing relationships. I didn’t know just how desperately I would need a community of people around me who knew how to pray, who knew how to encourage, who knew how to intercede and how to be there for me even from a distance.
December 1st marked the 1-year point of being released from the hospital. I’m still working to establish a personal community in my life – in person and online, even as I’m continuing to recover and now, dealing with a diagnosis of Long COVID.
There are days I still want to hide, to disconnect, to isolate. Days I don’t want to be honest and share what’s happening. And, on those days, I make a point of doing what is most uncomfortable. Not because I’m some kind of masochist but because I know it’s exactly what I need to continue to grow and break the cycle of social isolation in my life.
I’d like to encourage you today, if you’re still reeling from all the isolation or even still isolated for whatever reason, to find a way to connect with someone, reach out, share your heart, be vulnerable about what’s going on, and actively pursue building a community around yourself that draws you out and builds you up.
*Holman Christian Standard Bible
Resources
If you’re interested in learning more about the impacts of isolation and how to begin building community, the following are some articles and videos you may find interesting. Note, I did not write or create these and I do not claim to agree with everything they are saying. I am in no way associated with any of the websites hosting these resources and receive no income if you follow the links.
Article: Combatting the Effects of Social Isolation
Video: National Council for Mental Wellbeing, “Social Isolation and Loneliness”
Article: Self-Care for Social Reengagement in the ERA of COVID-19
Blog Post: Remembered by Love: On Isolation and Christian Community
Disclaimer: I am sharing my story, perspective, and experience of COVID and Long COVID. I am not speaking as an authority on either subject, as I am only familiar with my experience and that of those I’ve spoken to. I am not a medical or mental health expert. If you are dealing with COVID or Long COVID, please seek medical attention. If you are struggling with feelings of isolation, depression, or the many other feelings the pandemic is continuing to prompt, please seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text them at 741741.
