God has saved my life – over and over again over the years; and last November, as most of you know, He did it again between 8 and 10 times depending on the nurse who talked to me.
While I was in the hospital, He and I talked about a lot of things and He reignited hope in my calling and purpose; as well as in my relationship with Him. Things that had been lost in the routine-ness of life, were rekindled and reawakened. Even though I don’t believe God made me sick or put me in the hospital, He did take what the enemy meant for evil (and death)and turned it around for me good.
Not only was I healed of COVID, but through the course of treatment, I was also healed of 3 other kinds of pneumonia (viral, bacterial, and fungal), one that I had had – according to the doctors for years.
While I was in the hospital and after I got out, I prayed for many others who were incredibly ill with both COVID and other illnesses. Some got better, many died. I know in my heart that the outcome of my prayers is not my responsibility. I pray in faith and the results are up to God. But, it still took a toll. Why did some live and so many die? Why did I live?
That’s a question I have asked myself nearly every day since I got home on December 1st. Even while going through the most challenging parts of my recovery, “God, give me clarity as to what I’m supposed to do with my life. I don’t want to miss it or fall short. I want to please You. I want to fulfill my call and live for You and give You every moment of every day. Just tell me, why did I live?”
I’ve had glimpses, ideas, and the beginnings of dreams that weren’t quite ready to be released or stepped into but mostly life has been incredibly…ordinary. Healing, and regaining my health has been an ongoing process and one that still requires a lot of my time and attention. Figuring out what to do for work, and where to invest the energy I do have, and all of that can be exhausting. And all the while there has been this underlying urgency to find out “exactly” what God saved me for so I could get on with it and not waste a moment.
It sounds almost noble, doesn’t it? Or at least reasonable. But it was becoming a source of a lot of pressure – pressure to try harder, pressure to push through, pressure to perform and do more.
Yesterday morning, during my time with Him, God and I had a great conversation that began to lift the pressure. He asked, “Do you think that Abraham thought his life was a spectacular illustration of his relationship with Me? Do you think he even thought his life was spectacular?”
I thought about it and said, “No. I imagine he was just doing what he did. Going about his routine, normal life and enjoying his time with You in the big and small encounters.”
He asked, “What about David? Do you think he thought his psalms would be sung and read for thousands of years? Do you think he thought his life was something so special it would be recorded and leaned upon by thousands upon thousands of believers as an illustration of what a man after My own heart looks like?”
“No. I think he was probably just living his life, leaning on You, and dealing with all the really hard things he encountered as they came up. BUT I do think he was intentional about wanting to please You.” (I had to throw that in because I didn’t like where the conversation was leading.)
He went on, “What about the Apostle Paul? Do you think he wrote the letters he wrote with the idea that they would become the heart of the New Testament? Do you think he thought his life, his letters, his story would become history, or do you think he was just living in the moment, doing what he knew to do each day?”
“I think he was probably just doing his best, living in each moment, and didn’t think much about the long-term potential impact. I don’t know that any of them could have imagined the influence of their lives if I think about it.”
“So, then, Beloved why is it that you feel like you have to make your own life something that is spectacular every day; that everything you do has to be this big, bold, daring thing for it to be enough for Me? Could it be enough just to love Me, walk with Me, and follow My lead from day to day? Could the outcome of such a life be more than you could imagine?”
“Yes.” And, as I said, the conversation helped but I still wasn’t convinced that I was walking with Him or following His lead very well. (Remember, this was yesterday morning. hahaha)
Then last night I went to a small group meeting and at the end, we were praying for one another. One of my new friends said this as she prayed, “Lord, please help Anysia see that You saved her life because You love her and that that is enough reason for You.”
I cried all the way home. “God, did You save my life just because You love me? Were You just, once again, showing Yourself strong on my behalf? Is it really enough that I am growing deeper in love with you and having my love for others restored?”
I felt His presence as I cried and, until that moment, I had not realized the incredible weight and pressure I had put on myself to “earn” God saving my life, to prove to Him that I was worth it, that I wasn’t going to squander this opportunity. In so many areas I’ve grown kinder to myself but in this area, I have been downright mean – beating myself up, day in and day out, for not doing enough to earn being alive.
In all these months it has never once crossed my mind that He saved my life because He loved me. Not once. In all these months it has never once crossed my mind that I didn’t have to make some grand gesture every day to prove to Him that I appreciate this life He’s given me. Not one day has gone by when I haven’t gone to bed disappointed in myself for not having done enough to be worth being alive when so many others are not. And, I didn’t even realize that I was doing this to myself until yesterday.
Today is a new day with an opportunity to embrace this truth – that I am loved and not only do I not have to earn it, there is no way I could earn it. It’s a gift. It’s who God is. He loves. And all He does flows from that reality that God is love. There is rest in this reality and strength. It reminds me that I can live this moment loving Him and loving others and leave the rest in His hands.
My heart’s desire to lay hold of all that Christ laid hold of me for, has not changed, but there is a shift in motivation that is removing the desperate clawing for it; and is replacing that desperation with a joy-filled invitation to relax into the divine flow of life and relationship with the One Who Loves me and calls me by name…
